I Spoke Too Soon

We were just about to leave for a Little League game yesterday when we heard a knock on the door. I peaked through the side window and saw two men in white shirts, ties, and dark pants. It was them. It was the missionaries from my last post I thought would probably never actually come and visit. They drove out to our neighborhood and stopped by our house unexpectedly.

I told Brian I would get the door because it was the Mormon missionaries. I took a breath and opened the door. "Hello! How are you guys!"

I stared at two guys. One looked to be your typical young Mormon straight from the motherland in Utah: short blondish-brown hair, tall, pale skin, thin, perfect white teeth, and blue eyes (like me, but more of that Utah glow I suppose). He seemed nervous and I could tell he must have been a greenie. The other, obviously the senior companion, was a bigger guy, black, shorter than his companion, and probably not from Utah.

"Hi! Is there an Evan here?"

It wasn't a scripted response. I noticed their silver car parked in front. They weren't just perusing the neighborhood. They wanted to see me.

"Yes, that's me."

As Brian was holding Shadow back in the hallway, they introduced themselves to me.

"Hi, I'm Elder A___ and this is my companion Elder T___."

I shook each of their hands and said it was nice to meet them. Then there was a little bit of an awkward silence. I couldn't invite them in because we were about to leave, so I was waiting for them to say the next thing so I could explain that we were just about to head out the door.

"We were just checking in and wondering if we could talk with you." 

"We are about to leave actually, but I would not mind visiting with you guys another time."

"Sure, we can do that. When are you available?"

I looked back at Brian. "When is our next free date?"

Today (Thursday) we are going to a birthday dinner for one of the boys. Friday we may be going to a playoff game. There is another game on Saturday and that is the day we also try to catch up on everything around the house and spend time with friends we never get to see. What about Sunday? Do missionaries even do this kind of thing on Sundays? Maybe not.

After thinking my schedule out loud while looking at Brian, I eventually responded. "How about Monday. I get home around 5:30 everyday. So any time after that is fine."

"Sure. Is 6 okay?"

"Yeah, that will work. It was good seeing you two."

"Ok. I hope you have a nice evening. We'll see you next week."

As they walked back to their car, I noticed how hot and humid it was outside. That poor greenie from Utah is definitely not used to this weather.

"Do you guys need a bottle of water or anything?"

"No we are fine. Have a good evening."

I closed the door and looked at Brian. "I can't believe they drove out this way without giving us any warning. I feel bad that they wasted their time."

"Well, they probably should have called ahead of time. Should we hold hands next time they visit?"

 I never went on a mission, but I would go out with the missionaries to talk with potential converts a few times in the past. Seven years ago, I could not have pictured myself being on the other side of the door.

I am not sure what I am going to say to them or what they want to say to me. I will probably respond with a simplified version of my last post. But outside of that, I am not sure. I do not want to shove my issues in their face, but I do want to be honest. And no, Brian and I won't be holding hands.

Families Are Together Forever, Unless...

I was with the boys and Brian getting in the car after having some frozen yogurt when they called. My phone started ringing and I pulled it out to look at the number displaying on the screen. All I recognized was the Houston area code, but I decided to answer anyways.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this Evan?"

"Yes. I'm sorry. Who is this?"

"The missionaries. How are you doing?"

The kids were joking and laughing with each other in the back, which proved to give me difficulty of hearing the man speaking on the other end of the line.

"I'm doing well. I'm sorry, who?"

"It's the missionaries. We were just in the neighborhood and wondering if we could stop by."

"Oh, cool. I'm actually not home right now, but you are welcome to come over another time. I have moved a few times in the last couple of years. What address do you guys have for me?"

They repeated the address of the apartment I shared with Brian in Greenway Plaza. Two thoughts came across my mind when I heard this:

1. I don't remember ever updating my records with this address. I am almost positive I never did this myself. 
2. Were they really in the area? Greenway Plaza is mostly just office space with a handful of apartment complexes thrown in. I doubt these complexes allow solicitors. But maybe they were visiting a member in the area. Because I have never been a missionary, I wonder if missionaries tend to say these sort of things for the sake of making their visits appear more convenient.

I gave them my new address and they said they would check in with me another time. 

I still struggle with my Mormon identity. This faith upbringing was what my life growing up was centered around and it is something I just can't throw away or forget. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like attending regularly again, but for the last few years, every time I go I feel more out of place. If these missionaries actually decided to visit with me, how would I present myself? What would I say? So as I was writing this entry, I made a list of multiple reasons why I struggle to be an active Mormon. But there was one reason in particular that was so glaring to me and I believe this is the root reason why I have a hard time going:

Some families are together forever.

There is this church video from the nineties, "On the Way Home," about the conversion of a family who had a young daughter who died in a bike accident. Was I the only one that watched it dozens of times to the point where I could at one time recite the lines?

 So the entire premise of the the sweet and syrupy film is that a family, who are struggling to get over their daughter/sister's death, begins taking the discussions with the missionaries. This eventually leads to the entire family being baptized and the film ends giving viewers (especially potential converts) hope that they can be with their families forever.

During one of the discussions the family is having with the sister missionaries, one of the sisters states:
"Family relationships don't have to end in death. Through prophets, God has restored the knowledge that a husband and wife can be married for eternity. And God has promised... that their family relationships can endure forever. Not just death till you part... You can see your sister again!... I know you will be with your daughter again."

The concept of the eternal family really is beautiful. This a very core belief found in the Church and I believe it is a very valid reason for Mormons to cling to their faith. In fact, I still believe in the concept of eternal families. But I just cannot come to terms with the Mormon thought process on how God judges the make-up of families.

There are a lot of conditions where an entire family unit cannot qualify as an "eternal family" in the eyes of Mormonism; some families deal with divorce while others may have a parent or child who leaves Mormonism behind. Sure, in the eyes of the member, these families still have hope in the long run. A family member can return to the fold or a divorce could be fixed or could essentially work out for the better. But what about family units with same-sex parents? They certainly exist and good examples can be found here, here, and here.

In "On the Way Home", what if the family was headed by a gay couple? Would the dialog from the sister missionary change? Would the sister missionaries even bother to teach the family? Would there be no hope for the parents and their kids to see their deceased daughter again? There certainly are many same-sex headed households with children. According to the Mormon faith, it is impossible for these families to be together forever, even if every member of that household is more righteous than most members of the church,  even if the couple vowed for lifelong celibacy, and even if the same-sex headed family did convert to Mormonism. It won't happen. They will not go to the Celestial Kingdom as a family unit. As far-fetched as this sounds, how is this fair to a non-LDS same-sex couple interested in converting? How is it fair to their children?

I can get over some of the weird historical claims found in Mormonism. I can get over the fact that I have had to deal with less-than-kind members who justify their attitude because they think Boyd K. Packer says it is okay. Although it is still an open wound, I know I can get over Proposition 8. But I cringe and cannot get over the empty pit I get in my stomach when I see the Proclamation to the Family. Unless I were to do an about-face on the direction of my life and somehow justify the expected depression and self-loathing I would later deal with, there is no hope for me to be a part of an eternal family in the eyes of Mormonism.

Out of all the blog posts I have read and out of all the Facebook discussions I follow in these progressive Mormon groups, I have never noticed this hypothetical situation brought to the table. Maybe I am just weird and the only one who thinks about it. Am I the only one? I know there are some active Mormons who are in a same-sex relationship. Don't they worry about how the LDS Church defines a family?

Whatever the case, I believe in a fair and just God. I feel like in God's eyes, the gender make up of a couple means little to Him and what matters most is the love displayed within that family unit. So in the eternal perspective, I am not worried. :-)

(Edit: Two months later and the missionaries still have not called me back.)

Our New Pet, Shadow

I have been sitting on an entry I have wanted to post over a week ago, but alas I have not yet finished it. So I will delay that entry further by sharing a big announcement in our household. We adopted a dog this past weekend! He is an eleven month old retriever mix named Shadow. Isn't he adorable?

We picked him up at the Houston Humane Society and he has been doing surprisingly well! He is already potty trained, he sleeps in his bed, he knows a few basic commands, and he reacts great around other pets and people.  We think we picked a good choice and are looking forward to raising him for years to come
:-).

Easter at the Lake

 

Brian has been part a of a tradition with the boys where they go out to Lake Livingston for Easter weekend. His ex-wife's parents own a lake house up there, so it always makes for a great time to bond with the kids and that part of the family. Last year, I became apart of said tradition.

See? You do not have to drive that far from Houston to find natural beauty... okay, almost natural beauty. Lake Livingston is a man-made lake. In fact, in order to have it made, a whole town had to be flooded. I suppose it's not anywhere natural. But it's still pretty out there!

Tim took up archery recently. The Boy Scout in me became all excited as I helped him with his target practice.

The boys are also quite the fishermen. This is probably their favorite activity to do while at the lake, and it's not hard to tell why when they are catching something every five minutes!

That night, we commenced with the egg dyeing...

...followed by a game of Parcheesi, which we never finished. They blamed it on me and the blockade I formed. What can I say? When you grow up with nine siblings, a competitor spirit is natural to have. But it's pretty lame that we weren't able to determine a winner.

The Easter Bunny came by the lake house at some point that night. Among the candy and trinkets were two Angry Birds themed kites.

Shortly after I took this photo, poor Jordan accidentally let go of his Angry Bird. The handle got caught on a power line on the other side of the house and the bird remained in flight for at least a couple of more hours until the wind died down

We left as a thunderstorm came rolling in. Although it wasn't quite as impressive as a West Texas thunderstorm, it was still a rather fascinating view:

Family Letter: 2nd Quarter, 2013

Preface: Every quarter, my family keeps up with each other by sending out a mass e-mail updating everyone about what has happened since the previous letter. Since I have several friends who are not on that e-mail list, I share my (slightly modified) family letter here for them to read.

Hello everyone!

A lot of things have kept us busy since I last wrote, but here's a quick update on what has been going on for us in Houston.

This past Christmas was my first to be away from family in San Angelo. While we certainly missed seeing family there, we really enjoyed being able to celebrate Christmas day with Brian's kids and his side of the family. 

Our big Christmas present was the new house, which we have been enjoying. I have spent several hours developing a green thumb by learning how to care for all of the plants in the backyard. We have a grapefruit tree that needed some serious pruning, and some palms that weren't taken very well care of by the previous owners. But so far, none of the plants have shown signs of dying, so I must be doing at least a decent job. Last month, Brian and his dad made a plan on how we would replace the backside of the fence, which was falling apart. With the help from friends, we spent most of this past weekend putting up the fence, and are very happy with the results. Now we are thinking about the projects we would like to do during the summer and we can't wait to make good use out of the pool.

After a year and a half of being engaged, Brian and I finally married in New York City on March 12th, so that's the biggest news we have! Although it doesn't mean much for us in Texas legally, we are still very happy to have made the commitment. We both have always loved New York, so that's why we chose to have it done there. We appreciate the support we have received from family and friends throughout this.

Since we would love to have something more than just a couple of friends attend a ceremony in a city clerk's office, we are planning for a wedding/reception here in Houston for October. We would love to see whatever friends and family can make it that day.

Outside of the wedding, we had a wonderful time visiting the city. Newsies on Broadway was incredible and I can't wait to see it again (I'm still singing the songs in my head). Instead of going up the Empire State Building, we opted to go to Top of the Rock, which was very cool. Despite the fact that neither of us have really seen the movies, we checked out the Harry Potter exhibit for the sake of being able to find a nice souvenir for Jordan. I had a photographer friend who happens to live there, so we were able to get him to take some nice pictures of us in Central Park, in an area called DUMBO (in Brooklyn), and along the Brooklyn Bridge. The pictures turned out very nicely!

Brian's ex-wife put the boys in a church basketball league in January, which they loved. Because of that, they now spend at least an hour or two every weekend we have them playing basketball in the driveway. Basketball finished and they recently started Little League again, which keeps them very busy. They both won their first games and are doing very well so far. Tim is breezing through the 2nd grade, and loves reading and science. We are looking forward to Jordan finishing the 4th grade (I seriously can't believe how much homework he gets every night!). Jordan loves science and math.

When he isn't playing sports or doing school work, Tim spends the majority of time reading and playing Wii U. He recently told me he wants to read all of the Hunger Games books, followed by the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings, and then all of the Harry Potter books. I haven't read any of these, so my plan is to read them at the same time so we can discuss them as we go. Hopefully, we can make it through all of those books! Jordan has a fascination with both X-Men and Harry Potter right now. He loves watching the old X-Men cartoons on Netflix and has started collecting Harry Potter wands and other memorabilia. 

I think that's it! We have enjoyed reading other people's letters and catching up.

Much love,
Evan & Brian

Husband in New York (My "What's It Like to Be Married" Post)

Professional photos done by Michael Wiltbank.

Did you know that according to Hindu tradition, rain on a wedding day is a sign of good things to come? Outside of my lucky blue striped underwear, I am not a huge fan of that kind of superstition. But I suppose I will take the Hindu belief to heart and consider myself a lucky guy this time around.

I find it difficult to write this post because I am afraid I cannot adequately express how I feel after exchanging vows of commitment with Brian.

There was a time years ago when my future terrified me. It looked like a blank, empty canvas which seemed destined for emptiness forever. I felt as if I could not and did not deserve to share a life with the person I loved. That feeling of loneliness made me worry for my future and I would often find myself in regular deep depressions that I would try to cover up through school or work.

Now I see my life canvas full of vibrancy and there is a picture there of what the future could be if I keep pushing forward and continue painting. I actually started to notice the color before I ever met Brian because eventually, after making several necessary changes in my life, I allowed myself to be happy. I came to a realization that what others thought of me, even if they were my siblings or close "friends", did not really matter. I did not have to accept the crumbs of love with verbal "buts" attached to them. Fortunately, I found more friends, support, and examples in person and online to counter the ones I lost. These are the family and friends that accepted me completely and helped me climb over my own personal brick walls.

Brian and I both came from backgrounds full of adversity. We both grew up going to church regularly where people did not tend to look favorably towards gay people. I, Mormon. Brian, Assembly of God. We both were raised in families where money was hard to come by and budgets were tight. We both have dealt with depression and a lack of total support from some family members after coming out. Brian's coming out resulted into a divorce which caused him to have to juggle financing two households, school, and a solid relationship with his two very young boys. When I hear his stories, I feel like my trials paled in comparison to his.

But as Kelly Clarkson once said on the Top 40 radio way too often: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Adversity can be a good thing.

One of the most frequent questions I have been asked since returning from New York is: "How does it feel to be married?"

I always find myself pondering the best way to answer this question. In reality, the service was quick and easy. After receiving our marriage license the previous day, we returned to the City Clerk's office with our witnesses on a cold, rainy morning. We were greeted warmly by the employees there, given a ticket, and waited on a long green bench until they called our ticket number, "C62." After our number was called, we were greeted by the justice of the peace who showed us to the chapel room where he gave us few minutes to prepare.

When the JP returned, he gave us a few instructions and asked how we would like to proceed with the ceremony: Do we want to look at each other or at him? Each other. Do we want to place our rings on the stand or have a witness give them to us? We'll just leave them on the podium.

We believe the JP may have been an aspiring Broadway star or a theater school dropout. As he went through the vows, I could not help but look at him sometimes because of how much he exaggerated each line like a soulful pastor in a Southern Baptist Church. It all went by so fast though. Before I could fully feel the emotions of what was happening, Brian and I had already said our "I do"s, exchanged the Tungsten rings, and kissed before the minister and our witnesses. The minister congratulated us and handed us our official marriage certificate.

Yes, I know. That all might sound underwhelming. In fact, the individual act of going to the City Clerk's office was honestly underwhelming. No one cried tears of joy. We did not spend an hour taking pictures afterwards. There was no massive reception to look forward to. But we did take a quick trip to a bakery called Bruno's for lunch and celebratory wedding cake, which was absolutely delightful and delicious.

Having said all of that, I cannot help but feel like we took a monumental step forward. I mean, we did it! Despite the fact that the legal eyes of Texas does not give an iota about our marriage certificate, several other states do see Brian as my husband. The certificate is something tangible and we have already proudly showed it off to the kids (honestly, they were far more interested in the souvenirs we bought them).

But the meaning of this commitment is deeper than just a piece of paper. I find our wedding special because of the work it took to get to that point and the significant moments Brian and I have shared that have allowed us to grow as a couple.

I remember the time when we had our first date at Star Pizza. Most of our conversation was centered around techie things and our backgrounds. Somewhere within those few hours together, I had a feeling Brian was someone I should continue to pursue. Luckily, he felt the same way about me.

Or the time when we had our first Valentine's Day dinner together, which also happened to be the first time I have been able to properly celebrate Valentine's Day with another person.

The time when we took a weekend trip to San Antonio and I accidentally tasted alcohol for the first time while in our hotel. I spat it out immediately, told Brian his Gatorade/Vodka (or whatever the heck was in it) was disgusting, and once again swore to never drink.

The time when we had a rooftop dinner on top of the town home I rented a room out of. This was also the time when I proved myself to not be a skillful cook.

The time when I first met his kids one summer Saturday and we spent the entire day together at a local water park.

The time during our first long vacation together in California when Brian proposed to me in the cool, quiet night out in the courtyard of our hotel in Carmel.

The time when I first took him home to meet my extended family during Thanksgiving. And the time soon after when our car broke down in Brady, TX on a Sunday while attempting to return to Houston.

The time when my grandmother passed away and he was there to help comfort me every step of the way.

All of the times when we have had deep discussions about religion, career plans, the kids, our families, and our life together.

The time when we first walked into our new home with his boys shortly after becoming new home owners.

The time just two weeks ago when we were sitting together on a plane going to New York, holding each other's hand, and thinking about what we would soon be doing in a few days. All of these past significant moments that built our relationship led to the single most significant moment in the chapel of the City Clerk's office.

Although not many of our friends and none of our family could be in New York for us, we certainly felt the love and support online and by phone. To my amazement, several of my siblings congratulated us and even publicly announced our commitment on their own Facebook walls. A comment my very-much-a-Mormon Dad wrote on Brian's wall was much appreciated and meant a lot to us:

"Congratulations Brian, I am proud to call you one of my sons."

We feel very lucky and blessed to receive the kind of support we do. Of course, we want people who have expressed support to witness our commitment in person, so we will soon be very busy planning a wedding ceremony and reception here in Houston this fall. Maybe by then, our piece of paper from New York will at least mean something in the eyes of the federal government. But if not, we still plan to always be stuck with each other! :-)

Senator Portman and the Golden Rule

I woke up to the news this morning that Ohio Republican Senator Rob Portman has reversed his views on same-sex marriage after his son, Will, came out to him as gay. Obviously, voicing such a controversial change does not come without it's critics. Some claim his morals are too malleable. Some say that he should support his constituents, even if these views affect the rights of minorities. Some welcome the change, but criticize him for only making the change since it affected his own son.

Personally, I can't help but smile over this, not because we now have yet another Republican on our side, but because of the story behind it. Imagine the pressure of being the gay son of a top ranking conservative senator. Now picture the pressure of being the only senator to break party lines on a controversial issue that will be hitting the Supreme Court in a few weeks. That's enough stress to make anybody go nuts!

But Will Portman overcame the fear and decided to be honest with his dad, who then handled the news like a champ. Despite the risk of losing his political career and being openly criticized by social conservative groups, other fellow politicians, and random online commentators, Sen. Portman provides his reasoning for supporting same-sex marriage in a way I could not have worded better myself:

"The overriding message of love and compassion that I take from the Bible, and certainly the Golden Rule, and the fact that I believe we are all created by our maker, that has all influenced me in terms of my change on this issue."

That's it. The Golden Rule. The number one thing (at least in my opinion) that Christians and other people of faith are losing sight of today. The rule that states: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." You can't get any more Christian than that!

It's unfortunate that some people will miss the lesson that can be learned from all of this due to not being able to see through the politics. What an awesome example of a good parent and what a wonderful family that must be. Thank you, Will and Rob Portman!