Family Letter 3rd Quarter 2013

Hello from Houston!

Work has been going well for me (Evan). I have just passed my one year anniversary as an application developer at the University of Houston and recently had a big project of mine successfully go into production, with another one that will hit testing soon. One of the things I love about the work environment here is that I don't necessarily need to work through a middle man in order to communicate with the customer. For the last project, I was able to directly speak with the customer during testing, which helped me understand exactly what she wanted out of the project. My manager has done an excellent job in providing guidance over the last year, which I am very grateful for. Brian has had his ups and downs at MD Anderson, but he says management has expressed great appreciation for his hard work. Fortunately, work has calmed down for him after a very busy summer.

We spent a lot of time with the boys this summer up until they started school again. Brian was able to work from home and take some vacation time so we could keep them at our house for an entire week. They love swimming in the pool, playing with Shadow, and playing video games. We also were able to have Brian's mom stay home with the kids during the few days Brian had to work from home, which was nice. The boys like school so far. Jordan started 5th grade and Tim started 3rd grade. I first met them when they had just finished 2nd grade and kindergarten. They are getting old too fast! They recently signed up for the Scouts and will also soon be participating in Little League, once again. They are good kids and we are so happy that we are able to be involved in their lives.

We have been continuing our home improvement projects. We have painted some rooms and had some of our windows that run along the front of the house tinted. We also noticed that the foundation issues in our house have been getting worse, which is our next project to address. Here's hoping that this fix won't break the bank!

Last week, while Brian was visiting his step sister and her family in Austin, I made a trip up to Salt Lake City to visit with Demaree, Marco, and Elliot, and to also attend the Affirmation conference. It was great catching up with them and being able to see their house. In between sessions of the conference, I was also able to visit with my old co-workers from San Angelo, who had moved to SLC.

The Affirmation conference was incredibly uplifting for me and I felt like it was something I really needed spiritually. Steve Young and his wife, Barb, were the keynote speakers. Along with the Youngs, I was able to listen to Carol Lynn Pearson, Judy Finch, and Benji Schwimmer, as well as participate in an incredible testimony meeting. They also had several group workshops during the weekend ranging in topics like "Growing Up LGBT and Mormon in America" and "Restoring Your Relationship with the Church." I was very impressed at the number of supportive family members there. Being able to talk to several parents who were just addressing this issue in their family for the first time gave me hope that more and more members of our faith are learning to open their hearts on this issue. If anyone is interested, you can watch several portions of the conference on Affirmation's Youtube channel.

Anyways, it has been great catching up with everyone! Hopefully we will be able to see several of you during the holidays this year. 

Evan and Brian

Our New Pet, Shadow

I have been sitting on an entry I have wanted to post over a week ago, but alas I have not yet finished it. So I will delay that entry further by sharing a big announcement in our household. We adopted a dog this past weekend! He is an eleven month old retriever mix named Shadow. Isn't he adorable?

We picked him up at the Houston Humane Society and he has been doing surprisingly well! He is already potty trained, he sleeps in his bed, he knows a few basic commands, and he reacts great around other pets and people.  We think we picked a good choice and are looking forward to raising him for years to come
:-).

Easter at the Lake

 

Brian has been part a of a tradition with the boys where they go out to Lake Livingston for Easter weekend. His ex-wife's parents own a lake house up there, so it always makes for a great time to bond with the kids and that part of the family. Last year, I became apart of said tradition.

See? You do not have to drive that far from Houston to find natural beauty... okay, almost natural beauty. Lake Livingston is a man-made lake. In fact, in order to have it made, a whole town had to be flooded. I suppose it's not anywhere natural. But it's still pretty out there!

Tim took up archery recently. The Boy Scout in me became all excited as I helped him with his target practice.

The boys are also quite the fishermen. This is probably their favorite activity to do while at the lake, and it's not hard to tell why when they are catching something every five minutes!

That night, we commenced with the egg dyeing...

...followed by a game of Parcheesi, which we never finished. They blamed it on me and the blockade I formed. What can I say? When you grow up with nine siblings, a competitor spirit is natural to have. But it's pretty lame that we weren't able to determine a winner.

The Easter Bunny came by the lake house at some point that night. Among the candy and trinkets were two Angry Birds themed kites.

Shortly after I took this photo, poor Jordan accidentally let go of his Angry Bird. The handle got caught on a power line on the other side of the house and the bird remained in flight for at least a couple of more hours until the wind died down

We left as a thunderstorm came rolling in. Although it wasn't quite as impressive as a West Texas thunderstorm, it was still a rather fascinating view:

Husband in New York (My "What's It Like to Be Married" Post)

Professional photos done by Michael Wiltbank.

Did you know that according to Hindu tradition, rain on a wedding day is a sign of good things to come? Outside of my lucky blue striped underwear, I am not a huge fan of that kind of superstition. But I suppose I will take the Hindu belief to heart and consider myself a lucky guy this time around.

I find it difficult to write this post because I am afraid I cannot adequately express how I feel after exchanging vows of commitment with Brian.

There was a time years ago when my future terrified me. It looked like a blank, empty canvas which seemed destined for emptiness forever. I felt as if I could not and did not deserve to share a life with the person I loved. That feeling of loneliness made me worry for my future and I would often find myself in regular deep depressions that I would try to cover up through school or work.

Now I see my life canvas full of vibrancy and there is a picture there of what the future could be if I keep pushing forward and continue painting. I actually started to notice the color before I ever met Brian because eventually, after making several necessary changes in my life, I allowed myself to be happy. I came to a realization that what others thought of me, even if they were my siblings or close "friends", did not really matter. I did not have to accept the crumbs of love with verbal "buts" attached to them. Fortunately, I found more friends, support, and examples in person and online to counter the ones I lost. These are the family and friends that accepted me completely and helped me climb over my own personal brick walls.

Brian and I both came from backgrounds full of adversity. We both grew up going to church regularly where people did not tend to look favorably towards gay people. I, Mormon. Brian, Assembly of God. We both were raised in families where money was hard to come by and budgets were tight. We both have dealt with depression and a lack of total support from some family members after coming out. Brian's coming out resulted into a divorce which caused him to have to juggle financing two households, school, and a solid relationship with his two very young boys. When I hear his stories, I feel like my trials paled in comparison to his.

But as Kelly Clarkson once said on the Top 40 radio way too often: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Adversity can be a good thing.

One of the most frequent questions I have been asked since returning from New York is: "How does it feel to be married?"

I always find myself pondering the best way to answer this question. In reality, the service was quick and easy. After receiving our marriage license the previous day, we returned to the City Clerk's office with our witnesses on a cold, rainy morning. We were greeted warmly by the employees there, given a ticket, and waited on a long green bench until they called our ticket number, "C62." After our number was called, we were greeted by the justice of the peace who showed us to the chapel room where he gave us few minutes to prepare.

When the JP returned, he gave us a few instructions and asked how we would like to proceed with the ceremony: Do we want to look at each other or at him? Each other. Do we want to place our rings on the stand or have a witness give them to us? We'll just leave them on the podium.

We believe the JP may have been an aspiring Broadway star or a theater school dropout. As he went through the vows, I could not help but look at him sometimes because of how much he exaggerated each line like a soulful pastor in a Southern Baptist Church. It all went by so fast though. Before I could fully feel the emotions of what was happening, Brian and I had already said our "I do"s, exchanged the Tungsten rings, and kissed before the minister and our witnesses. The minister congratulated us and handed us our official marriage certificate.

Yes, I know. That all might sound underwhelming. In fact, the individual act of going to the City Clerk's office was honestly underwhelming. No one cried tears of joy. We did not spend an hour taking pictures afterwards. There was no massive reception to look forward to. But we did take a quick trip to a bakery called Bruno's for lunch and celebratory wedding cake, which was absolutely delightful and delicious.

Having said all of that, I cannot help but feel like we took a monumental step forward. I mean, we did it! Despite the fact that the legal eyes of Texas does not give an iota about our marriage certificate, several other states do see Brian as my husband. The certificate is something tangible and we have already proudly showed it off to the kids (honestly, they were far more interested in the souvenirs we bought them).

But the meaning of this commitment is deeper than just a piece of paper. I find our wedding special because of the work it took to get to that point and the significant moments Brian and I have shared that have allowed us to grow as a couple.

I remember the time when we had our first date at Star Pizza. Most of our conversation was centered around techie things and our backgrounds. Somewhere within those few hours together, I had a feeling Brian was someone I should continue to pursue. Luckily, he felt the same way about me.

Or the time when we had our first Valentine's Day dinner together, which also happened to be the first time I have been able to properly celebrate Valentine's Day with another person.

The time when we took a weekend trip to San Antonio and I accidentally tasted alcohol for the first time while in our hotel. I spat it out immediately, told Brian his Gatorade/Vodka (or whatever the heck was in it) was disgusting, and once again swore to never drink.

The time when we had a rooftop dinner on top of the town home I rented a room out of. This was also the time when I proved myself to not be a skillful cook.

The time when I first met his kids one summer Saturday and we spent the entire day together at a local water park.

The time during our first long vacation together in California when Brian proposed to me in the cool, quiet night out in the courtyard of our hotel in Carmel.

The time when I first took him home to meet my extended family during Thanksgiving. And the time soon after when our car broke down in Brady, TX on a Sunday while attempting to return to Houston.

The time when my grandmother passed away and he was there to help comfort me every step of the way.

All of the times when we have had deep discussions about religion, career plans, the kids, our families, and our life together.

The time when we first walked into our new home with his boys shortly after becoming new home owners.

The time just two weeks ago when we were sitting together on a plane going to New York, holding each other's hand, and thinking about what we would soon be doing in a few days. All of these past significant moments that built our relationship led to the single most significant moment in the chapel of the City Clerk's office.

Although not many of our friends and none of our family could be in New York for us, we certainly felt the love and support online and by phone. To my amazement, several of my siblings congratulated us and even publicly announced our commitment on their own Facebook walls. A comment my very-much-a-Mormon Dad wrote on Brian's wall was much appreciated and meant a lot to us:

"Congratulations Brian, I am proud to call you one of my sons."

We feel very lucky and blessed to receive the kind of support we do. Of course, we want people who have expressed support to witness our commitment in person, so we will soon be very busy planning a wedding ceremony and reception here in Houston this fall. Maybe by then, our piece of paper from New York will at least mean something in the eyes of the federal government. But if not, we still plan to always be stuck with each other! :-)

Explaining Our Wedding to the Kids

There was one time about a year ago when Brian said to the boys "You know Evan and I are more than just friends, right? We are more like mommy and your step-dad." They responded that they understood, but they have never asked about us or why we are together. Brian and I say "I love you" to each other regularly in front of the boys without hesitation. We are not afraid to show affection and they know we sleep in the same bed. The boys definitely know that we are together and I am not just daddy's "good friend."

With our civil marriage coming up, I started to ask Brian about whether or not we should explicitly bring up the fact that we are gay with the kids. I felt like we were serving an injustice by not talking about our wedding and I feared that we were adding to the possible shame they might feel about the subject because we were never talking about it openly.

A few weekends ago, we were driving Jordan across town for a birthday party. As we drove along the beltway, we had some light conversation about the party until Jordan became preoccupied with his iPod. I realized this was the perfect time to bring our wedding into discussion. It was just Jordan and we still had at least half an hour before we would arrive at our destination. I looked at Brian and he got my cue. He started the conversation like he did a year ago: "Jordan, you know Evan and I are more than just friends, right?"

Jordan glanced up from his iPod and let out what seemed to be a hesitant "yes." There was this immediate quiet, awkwardness that entered the air. Uh oh. Please, God, don't let this be traumatic for anyone.

 Brian continued. "Well, do you know the best word to describe us?"

Jordan quietly replied "Daddy, I know your secret."

 Uh oh. A secret? This was exactly what we did not want the boys to think of this.

 "Jordan, it's not a secret."

 "Well, I know you're gay."

I finally chimed in: "Right! And you know what, there is no shame in being that way. You know that right?"

Jordan looked at me through the rear-view mirror a little less awkward. "Sorry, I did not mean to use the word 'secret.' I know it's not a bad thing. I just was not sure if it was okay for me to talk about."

 What?! Where was he getting that impression?

 "Well, why do you feel that way?" Brian asked.

Jordan let out a sigh. "Sometimes the kids at school make fun of me and my friend at school and they call us gay because we play together."

Of course he felt this way because of his peers at school. I have always found it funny that social conservative Christians are paranoid that one day educators in public schools will teach children about gay people. Heads up, y'all! They are already learning about what it means to be gay. And they are learning it from other kids who tend to insert as much shame as possible into the subject by calling each other gay, homo, and fag without thinking twice about the damage the careless use of those words can cause.

Last summer, Jordan's mom shared a story with us where he stood up to a bully for calling another kid gay at school. This made us incredibly proud, so when we had Jordan we decided to try and ask him about it. We could not get him to openly talk about what happened, until we sort of brought up the incident specifically. He treated it like it was no big deal and it was clear he did not want to talk about. We should have had the discussion we were having in the car back then. Why didn't we?

"So what do you do about those kids, Jordan?" Brian asked.

"Well, I tell them to stop and to not use that word, but that doesn't work. So I tried telling the teachers, but they don't really do much. They just tell them to stop, too. But the kids keep making fun of us."

"Well, you know, I wish your teachers would do more. You understand that these other kids are using that word in a mean way, right? It's okay to be gay, but it's not okay to put someone down just because they are gay."

Jordan obviously understood what the kids were doing was wrong. But it seemed like he was having a hard time getting over the shame his peers were putting on the subject. I then tried to explain that there are a lot of good people who happen to be gay: the parents of the friend whose birthday party we were attending, the two moms of the twins on his old Little League team, and even the mayor of Houston, Annise Parker. When I mentioned women, Jordan looked at me funny again.

"Wait, but I thought the mayor is a girl?"

"Yes, but some women can be attracted to other women. They can be gay, too. Being gay just means you are attracted to people of the same gender." I tried to keep it as simple as possible for him. I then went on to explain that there would be a good chance he might have some friends who come out as gay when he gets older. As we talked, he slowly started to feel more comfortable about what we were telling him. When it was all said and done, Brian and I both expressed our love for him and that we cared about him.

"We want you to know that we love you, Jordan, and we wish you could be in New York with us. But we promise to do something here in town for you to see. Do you have any questions about anything?"

"Nope." He returned to his iPod game until we reached the birthday party.

------

Talking to Tim about us was much easier. We had the boys over last week when Tim asked about where I stood in the family. It was the perfect opportunity to explain our family. I looked at Brian. He knew this was the time to have a discussion, too.

"Tim, you know Evan and I are more than just friends, right? We are more like mommy and your step-dad."

"Yeah."

Jordan became overwhelmed excitement when he realized what was about to be discussed. "Ooh! I want to tell him! Tim, come over here and I'll tell you!" he yelled from the kitchen table.

"It's okay, Jordan. Let me talk to him. Tim, you know how we are going to New York, right?"

"Yes."

"Do you know why?"

"Why?"

"Because Evan and I are going to get married."

Tim looked a bit puzzled. Uh oh. Was this going to be heavy like our conversation with Jordan?

"Why can't you just get married here?"

Phew. He was not confused about the thought of us being married. He was confused about why we wanted to travel over 1,600 miles to get married.

"Well, right now, Texas does not recognize gay people who decide to get married. It is not legal."

"Ok. Well, can you bring me a souvenir?"

"Of course! We'll bring you both something back." They both cheered with excitement.

I then made the same promise I made to Jordan. "You two know that we will eventually have a wedding here in Houston. That way you can be there to see it. We will even have a reception with cake!" The mention of dessert brought cheers and excitement again.

Tim then asked if he and Jordan could go with us to New York when they get older.
"Sure! We can show you everything!" I replied. (Any excuse to visit the Big Apple.)

And that was that. Right now, I feel kind of bummed that they can't be there for the ceremony. That's the main reason we want to have a wedding closer to home. But I really, really wish they could be there. I want them to go to the Top of the Rock with us. I want them to witness the greatness that is Newsies. I want to take them to see Tim's favorite landmark, the Statue of Liberty.  I want them there for the pictures Brian and I will take together. I want them to see where we will be getting married. Sure, it might not be a church or a temple or some massive cathedral; we are just getting married in a city clerk's office. But that place will always be special to me and Brian. It's a place where a promise will be made in a few weeks between us: a promise of commitment and love towards each other; a promise the boys deserve to see.

Never Stop Rocking

Jordan, the older of the two kids, was sitting on the rocking chair glued to the Mario game on TV. He was also actively (almost violently?) rocking the chair back and forth.

"Jordan, can you stop rocking so much on the chair, please?" I asked.

"Ok."

Five minutes passed and he was violently rocking on the chair again.

I cringed a little. "Jordan, you need to stop rocking so hard on the chair. It's not designed for that and could break." Holy crap, I sound like my Dad!

"Sorry." He stopped and continued to play.

Another five minutes passed and he seemed to have forgotten what I just asked him to do.

"Jordan, please go sit on the couch instead. You can't rock on that chair like that."

Almost shocked that I was making him switch chairs, Jordan looked at me and proclaimed that my request was unfair.

"Just give me another chance!"

"I gave you enough chances. Go sit on the couch."

World War III was about to erupt. Arguing commenced with his belief that he didn't get enough "chances" and he refused to sit on the couch. I started to get really upset to the point where I was practically yelling. I turned off the Wii U and made him go to his room to lay down.

I want the boys to learn and realize that their actions come with consequences, good or bad. But I also hate being mean. Like, I seriously just want to be known as a nice parent, not just one who disciplines. I know this is wrong and it's a serious weakness I deal with. I want to be the good cop only! Brian can be the bad cop ;-).

Ten minutes passed and I decided to go to Jordan's room to talk with him. We had a short discussion on the importance of listening to his parents and why it's not okay to be reckless on furniture.

Within thirty minutes he is totally good again and it was like nothing ever happened. I breathed a sigh of relief. Phew.. he doesn't hate me... yet.

When Introducing Yourself...

One of the most daunting tasks for me to perform is initiating conversation. I just don't know how. How do I just go up to someone, say "hi", and then follow up with just some random question? What if I come off as weird or what if I choke in the process? I hate the anxiety I get when meeting new people. I hate that I so easily forget people's names because I am so busy making sure I don't look like a doofus when first introducing myself.

And like first conversations, I am not sure what exactly to share in the first post of my new blog. So I guess I'll start off with a basic introduction.

Hi! I'm Evan. I'm a mid-twenty-something year who is employed on the IT staff at a local university. I have lived in Texas forever and really don't ever plan on moving away for the sake of being relatively close to family and due to both mine and my fiance's career track. There's a lot of little things about me that make me unique. I am definitely a bit of a nerd. I own all three major consoles. I sometimes get these month long bursts where I become intensely interested in creating Android mobile applications. I think those bursts re-appear when I watch or read something along the lines of that film "The Social Network." The idea of developing something independently without restrictions and corporate money just seems a little bit of a thrill to me.  Right now mobile application development is on a hiatus because of the work required to create this blog.

I was raised Mormon and still have a level of respect for how I was raised and the history of my faith. I sometimes go on these stints where I meet with other disaffected Mormons about what it was like growing up that way. Never have I ever experienced a prolonged sense of being a TBM (True Blue Mormon? True Blood Mormon? True Believing Mormon? I still am not totally sure what that acronym means in Mormon circles). I still have my Book of Mormon (the actual book, not the musical) sitting on my shelf. I drink coffee every now and then, but only if it doesn't taste like dirt. Except for the few accidental moments, I have never tasted alcohol and don't ever plan to consume it unless someone happens to hand me an appletini while I'm watching a pride parade go by in Salt Lake City.

Like I said, I have a fiance named Brian. And he's a man... and yes, we are both gay. Kind of like Kurt and Blaine from Glee. Does that make you cringe? If so, just imagine us like you do your parents and don't worry about what goes on in the bedroom. Maybe that will help. We have been engaged for sixteen months and are planning on having a legal wedding ceremony in New York City this March.

Brian has also lived in Texas since the day of his birth, but has been even more limited to have only lived in the Houston area. He is on the IT staff of a fancy pants research center in the Medical Center. Brian is a nerd on a different front. He doesn't really care for video games, but loves science fiction movies.  He wants to have our entire home completely automated via his iPad and iPhone. I like to say that he is practically an Apple fanboy even though he still hasn't done his yearly iPhone upgrade. He also comes up with some of the most creative and interesting house projects... stuff I could never ever think up. Like what he did to our shower:

Brian used to be married to a woman who is now a wonderful ally and supporter of us. We both have a great relationship with her and her husband. Out of Brian's last marriage came two boys who are eight and nine. They primarily live out in the suburbs with their mom and step-dad, but we have the pleasure of having them over Wednesdays and every other weekend.

We all live in the massive Houston area and outside of the politics, we really do like living here. Most people in Houston seem to be very accepting of us. We love our friends. We like being close to Brian's parents and it's not absurdly far to see my parents on long weekends. We like the stable career environment we have here and find it unlikely that we will ever actually move away.

So that's an intro to who I am and a few of the important people in my life. Not too awkward, right?